How Losing Friendships Led to the Loss of Myself

Tunnel in Fort de Mutzig, France image by Wikipedia

It's been almost a year since I wrote anything of substance here on this outlet. Today is the day I’d like to explain why. Not that I feel you are owed any kind of explanation, dear reader, but I believe it’s time for me to break through this rut and share the thing that’s been holding me back. Hopefully, I’m able to connect with you on a deeper level and we can continue our journey through the written word together.

Being Frozen

For the past year, I’ve been stagnant with my art, most forms of it. I haven’t had the motivation to publish my writing or paint or even dance sometimes. Ultimately, it is all because of the most recent friendships I’ve allowed to be the most influential in my life. Last year I made band new friendships that ended up being the center of my world. These friendships made me feel so alive, like I had found a community of people who really got me and that I’d have to look no further for people to grow with for a really long time. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case and these friendships thwarted my life and shook me to the core in ways I was not prepared for.

One by one there was distance created between us. I had no idea how fast this loop could come full circle—going from strangers to lovers to strangers again. Having people I cared so much for in my life, who I thought cared for me too, do a complete 180 changed me. It was a deep reflection I realized I needed to process and learn from. So it sent me even deeper into an introspective, even depressive space. It sent me deeper into my spiritual practice when I thought to myself “How did I create this mess?”

Sinking Into the Deep

Having my most prominent friendships end so terribly changed everything about the way I see myself. It lowered my confidence, my ability to see myself as a beautiful being, my motivation to create art. I felt unworthy of receiving loving friendships from anyone new because I felt like I’d just fuck it up all over again. It’s taken me a very long time to come back to myself and find the place inside myself that is pure love.

There are so many things I’ve wanted to write about here, dear reader, and share with you about the beauty of life, and share my most profound spiritual experiences, and discoveries. But something has been blocking me from placing my fingers on this keyboard for so long.

Climbing Out

It felt like I couldn’t breathe properly. It felt like I wasn’t living truthfully, even though I’ve been making great strides in my acting career and healing relationships with my close family. Even though I’ve been a part of a tai chi community for the past five months, healing my innermost demons and working with the energy in and around me; There was still something missing.

So I’ve come here to break open the floodgates and come back to this space where I’ve felt so much fulfillment. It feels good to share with you this way. The grand plan is to do it more often, like old times. This is where we’ll pick up, at the place of deep, deep insight. Recently, I’ve been feeling so much of myself coming back to me. And now I'm ready to come back into the world (of blogging).

These days I’m surrounded by artists who inspire me and show me a life that I could have only dreamed was possible. I’ve come out on the other side of this pain with a new perspective and new lessons learned:

  • Beware of making new, exciting friendships the cornerstone of your existence.
  • Cultivate the love you have for yourself so that you don’t get wrapped up in the love you may seek from others
  • Watch out for when you make such monumental adjustments to your life that it completely envelops around the lives of those you admire.

It changes everything. It changes your values, the way you interpret the world around you, and most importantly, the way you see yourself.

All of Life Is a Mirror

I realize now that I was falling into a mess of my own making even before these friendships ended. Looking back, I realize I was not meant to be with the people I dedicated so much of my time to since I was not thriving nearly as much as I am now.

When I was with them, I would always second-guess myself, tip-toeing on eggshells and wondering if I was doing something that was too much. I felt small, insecure, and hated myself when I felt I might be “showing off”. I don’t ever want to feel that way again.

Now, I surround myself with people who fan my flames and even light my fire. People who jump up and scream “Yes! You’re here. Give us more of your awesomeness, please!” This is the energy I want to attract always and forever throughout all of my lifetimes. I know these words will probably be read by some of these old acquaintances, and it may cause sorrow. I just can’t allow that to silence me any longer.

Let’s Start Again

I want you to know what I’ve been going through, dear reader, because you’ve been along for this ride. I open my heart to you in the hopes you’ll understand, even just a little bit, and we can move on to what’s next. We can begin to finally share more essential things and grow together. We can talk about enlightenment and wake up from our dormant slumber. Life is full of gems waiting to be mined and marveled at.

Of course, there are many beautiful memories that were made in these past relationships I’ve cultivated with the people who’ve come into my life and made such a profound impact. There must be, right? Why else would I have been swept up so?

I’ve learned things about myself I would have never known if it had not been for their reflections. I’ve grown in ways I would have never done otherwise if I had stayed in a comfortable, familiar place. The consequences of taking this risk just weren’t what I could have ever predicted, and it’s taken me this long to understand that it's all okay.

I’d been shocked into a heartsick, pitiful, state of confusion that caused me to question everything I knew. It caused me to challenge myself especially and search deep inside myself for answers. Having a group of friends I loved and losing them all within a year really threw me off. It was a huge life experience I needed to go through to get to where I am today.

I’m writing to you now, sipping a lovely cup of yellow lotus tea, from the cozy comfort of my own brand-new home. It took quite a while to transition out of the life I’d created that was swallowing me up into this new place of freedom.

I can finally breathe again. My heart beats with so much vigor. I can finally allow myself to express the pain I’ve been holding onto and release it through my art. I’m here to say, on the other side of that stagnant place is a waterfall of light. Coming back to myself, I’ve discovered that my true beauty never left me. It was just waiting for me to find it again.

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Akilah Ivy

Akilah Ivy

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A free spirit, learning and growing in the art of entertainment. Sharing my experiences and discoveries in spirituality, storytelling, and sexual liberation.